Thursday, March 24, 2011

Keats and Yeats Are on Your Side*

A cell phone conversation between myself and Co-Witch A.:

Co-Witch A. - "Hey, it's me."

Me - (quietly) "Hey."

Co-Witch A. - "Did I call at a bad time?"

Me - (a little louder) "No, no, not at all. What's up?"

Co-Witch A. - "Well, you know how we were talking about re-reading Paul Huson's Mastering Witchcraft together?"

Me - "Yeah, I'm enthused about that."

Co-Witch A. - "And you know how we've also been talking about building up more of a visible profile in Houston? I was thinking, what if we combined the two and offered a monthly book study?"

Me - "This is a great idea."

Co-Witch A. "Because it's such an iconic book, y'know? And I really feel like the serious practitioners in this area could get some good information out of it."

Me - "I agree."

Co-Witch A. - "But here's my one reservation. Huson covers a lot of fascinating, useful stuff, but he also doesn't pull punches with his writing. I'm not sure that everyone who might agree to participate will want to hear what he has to say."

Me - "That is a conundrum."

Co-Witch A. - "And... okay, do you mind if I just vent?"

Me - "Sure, go ahead."

Co-Witch A. - "I'm tired of hearing people talk about what amazing Witches they are, when they're not doing anything. Do you know what I mean? It's like, fine, you're a big ol' Witch, but what actual Witchcraft are you practicing?"

Me - "I understand."

Co-Witch A. - "And I know there's this trend right now to separate Wicca from Witchcraft, and to make Wicca all mainstream or whatever, but still, I can't be the only damned one in this city who feels like..."

Me - "Oh, shit."

Co-Witch A. - "Evn? Are you alright?"

Me - "I think a security guard just spotted me."

Co-Witch A. - "Um... pardon?"

Me - "Crap, he's definitely coming this way. I need to get back to my car."

Co-Witch A. - "If you don't mind my asking, where are you right now?"

Me - "I'm in a cemetery."

Co-Witch A. - "And you are in a cemetery, running from security guards at 4 o'clock on a weekday afternoon, because...?"

Me - "I needed graveyard dirt, and they lock the gates at 5."

[beat]

Me - "Everything's fine, though. I paid off the guardian spirits with old coins, and I wiped down my offerings for fingerprints before I left them. But I'm sorry, I interrupted you. What were you saying?"

[another beat]

Co-Witch A. - "I fucking love you."

*I own that this reference is little obscure. So in case you didn't catch it, click here and bop along. Manchester style.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Get 'em Young, Raise 'em Right

My coven celebrated the Spring Equinox this past weekend, which is a deeply reverent and important Sabbat that the Co-Witches and I traditionally acknowledge by stuffing ourselves with as many hot cross buns as humanly possible. It's normally a pretty laid-back affair, although this particular Equinox included a fun plot twist: After ritual, once we were all kicking back in Co-Witch A.'s living room and hanging out with her family, Sean decided to announce to his parents that I'd promised to take him (and I quote) "drinking and whoring" on his 18th birthday.

Which is just wrong. I would never say something like that in front of an 11-year-old, the lying little varmit. What I'd told him is that I'd take him to get a tattoo, which just goes to show that children don't listen.

In related news, my brother called last night to formally ask if I'd be my niece's godfather:

Me - "Of course! I'd be honored! But is this, like, legal in the Episcopal Church? Because I'm kind of a godless heathen."

My Brother - "No, it's totally legit. We researched some stuff. You're good. And awww, little Lauren just wandered in!"

Me - "Ooooh, I want to talk to her!"

My Brother - "Sure, let me put you on speaker phone. Lauren? Can you say hello to Uncle Evn?"

Lauren - "Fish!" [Ed. Note: All Lauren can say right now is "fish," "ball" and "Zuzu." Zuzu is the name of one of their cats. I swear she's not aphasic.]

Me - "Hi, Lauren!"

Lauren - "Fish!"

Me - "That's very good! Now, can you say 'gender equality'?"

My Brother - "Um, what?"

Me - "C'mon, sweetie, you can do it. Gen... der... e... qual... i... ty."

Lauren - "Ball!"

Me - "Okay, wow, not even close."

My Brother - "I'm not quite sure I understand what's going on here."

Me - "Don't worry, I've got this. Lauren, can you say 'size acceptance' for Uncle Evn? Size... ac... cep... tance."

My Brother - "I... think she might be a little too young for the vocabulary you're throwing at her."

Me - "Dude, stop oppressing your daughter. Lauren, honey? Just FYI, anyone who can say 'political independence' gets a free tattoo on her 18th birthday."

My Brother - "Yeah, it's time to go. But we'll see you at the baptism! Probably!"

At this point, there's a very good chance my brother and sister-in-law are frantically updating their wills to name our wealthy, conservative cousin as Lauren's official legal guardian. But assuming I'm still in the running, I assure you that I'm going to godparent the shit out of this kid.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Things Witches Say (Hen Wen Edition)

I present the following with no context whatsoever:

"If the pig escapes, I'm blowing a dog whistle."