Monday, March 21, 2011

Get 'em Young, Raise 'em Right

My coven celebrated the Spring Equinox this past weekend, which is a deeply reverent and important Sabbat that the Co-Witches and I traditionally acknowledge by stuffing ourselves with as many hot cross buns as humanly possible. It's normally a pretty laid-back affair, although this particular Equinox included a fun plot twist: After ritual, once we were all kicking back in Co-Witch A.'s living room and hanging out with her family, Sean decided to announce to his parents that I'd promised to take him (and I quote) "drinking and whoring" on his 18th birthday.

Which is just wrong. I would never say something like that in front of an 11-year-old, the lying little varmit. What I'd told him is that I'd take him to get a tattoo, which just goes to show that children don't listen.

In related news, my brother called last night to formally ask if I'd be my niece's godfather:

Me - "Of course! I'd be honored! But is this, like, legal in the Episcopal Church? Because I'm kind of a godless heathen."

My Brother - "No, it's totally legit. We researched some stuff. You're good. And awww, little Lauren just wandered in!"

Me - "Ooooh, I want to talk to her!"

My Brother - "Sure, let me put you on speaker phone. Lauren? Can you say hello to Uncle Evn?"

Lauren - "Fish!" [Ed. Note: All Lauren can say right now is "fish," "ball" and "Zuzu." Zuzu is the name of one of their cats. I swear she's not aphasic.]

Me - "Hi, Lauren!"

Lauren - "Fish!"

Me - "That's very good! Now, can you say 'gender equality'?"

My Brother - "Um, what?"

Me - "C'mon, sweetie, you can do it. Gen... der... e... qual... i... ty."

Lauren - "Ball!"

Me - "Okay, wow, not even close."

My Brother - "I'm not quite sure I understand what's going on here."

Me - "Don't worry, I've got this. Lauren, can you say 'size acceptance' for Uncle Evn? Size... ac... cep... tance."

My Brother - "I... think she might be a little too young for the vocabulary you're throwing at her."

Me - "Dude, stop oppressing your daughter. Lauren, honey? Just FYI, anyone who can say 'political independence' gets a free tattoo on her 18th birthday."

My Brother - "Yeah, it's time to go. But we'll see you at the baptism! Probably!"

At this point, there's a very good chance my brother and sister-in-law are frantically updating their wills to name our wealthy, conservative cousin as Lauren's official legal guardian. But assuming I'm still in the running, I assure you that I'm going to godparent the shit out of this kid.


Pom said...

Might be my favorite post of yours ever. Of course my memory these days...

Evn said...

Memory issues aside (PS: What day is it?), I sincerely appreciate the compliment.

Wabaen said...


I always say: the only way I'm getting a kid is if a relative or friend wills one to me as part of an estate.

Brother Christopher said...

this reminds me of my college days in Illinois, and I had a part time job in the campus food services. A lady that I worked with showed me a picture of her 2 year old nephew who just got his new haircut...a mullet. She was so proud. All I could say was "wow, you start them off early, dontcha?" to which she replied "We sure do!" So yes, definitely get them while their young.

Anne Johnson said...

Everything you buy her should be faerie-related. Start with Tinker Bell jammies and keep ratcheting it up until she wants a Green Man tramp stamp. I have high hopes for this child.

Anonymous said...

"Darling, I'm your Uncle Evn, and I'm going to show you things you never dreamed existed..."

Evn said...

@Anne: "Green man tramp stamp" = Best. Comment. Ever.

Pallas Renatus said...

I listen marginally better than children, does that mean you'll take *me* out drinking an whoring? Please please please? ;-p