Thursday, September 30, 2010

In which I'm pretty much an action hero

A telephone conversation between myself and the Conjure Doctor:

Dr. E. - "... so even though it was a dark and painful moment in my life, I ultimately realized that I had the strength to..."


Me - "SHIT. Stop talking. There's a cockroach in my kitchen."

Dr. E. - "Well, squash it. It's just a bug."

Me - "Dude, It's huge. There's no way I can squash it. Hang on a second."

guzz guzz guzz guzz

Dr. E. - "Evn? What was that? Are you still there?"

Me - "Yeah, I'm here. That was the sound of my bug spray.  It has a motorized nozzle.  The roach is dead now."

Dr. E. - "Oh. Okay, good. Because what I was saying was..."

Me - "Crap. It's not dead. Be right back."

guzz guzz guzz guzz

Dr. E. - "Evn, seriously, just squash it."

Me - "NO.  I got it... wait, fuck, it's climbing up the wall."

guzz guzz guzz guzz

Me - "WHY WON'T YOU DIE?!?"

guzz guzz guzz guzz

Dr. E. - "Please just squash it. I promise it's just a bug."

guzz guzz guzz guzz

Dr. E. - "I'm really kind of worried about how much insecticide you're inhaling at this point."

Me - "Oooh, okay, I managed to herd him into the sink."

Dr. E. - "Oh, dear God..."

Me - "Can you speak up a little? I can't hear you over the garbage disposal. I've got the faucets on full blast, but he's swimming against the current. STOP SURVIVING, GODDAMNIT."

Dr. E. - "Evn, I need you to focus on the sound of my voice, okay? Slow down your thoughts, find your center, and... "

BAM. BAM BAM BAM.

Dr. E. - "Um... what just happened?"

Me - "I gave up on spraying and beat him to death with the bottle."

Dr. E. - "So basically... you squashed it."

Me - "I did. And blech. I don't think this is what they meant by 'kills on contact.'"

Dr. E. - "I am so hanging up now."

Fin.

9 comments:

Brother Christopher said...

can't breathe, laughing too hard.

Evn said...

I can't breathe either, but I think that's mainly because E. was right about me inhaling too much bug spray.

Veles said...

*shudders*

If cockroaches in the South weren't the size of Buicks...we wouldn't have to drain a bottle of bug spray per bug.

*shudders again*

The Absence of Alternatives said...

Now pour a whole gallon of bleach down that drain! Wait. Didn't they say that mixing bleach and bug spray is going to do funny thing to you? Maybe this will help balance everything out again. Pour that bleach!

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Oh, Evn. There's never just ONE cockroach. Sleep with one eye open, my friend.

Meredydd Darkmoon said...

So. Much. Laughing. But on the inside, I'm scared this will happen at my house lol.

praxidike said...

I'll bet it eats mushrooms.

zemkat said...

Hey shroom boy. Go to my blog and look at the video. I smashed a sword on my head while balancing it on my toe and filming it with my camera.

knottybynature said...

My brother?

word verification: kinfarit

I can't even talk about that one.