Monday, December 28, 2009

Overprotection Sets In

In honor of my niece's arrival, I have composed an open letter to all newborn male babies in the greater Boston area:

Dear newborn male babies,

IF ANY ONE OF YOU LECHEROUS LITTLE FUCKERS EVER GETS WITHIN FIFTEEN FEET OF MY PRECIOUS ANGEL, I WILL TASE YOU IN THE FACE.

Please re-read before hitting puberty.

Cordially,

Uncle Evn

PS: I also have a machete.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Niece of Strife


Welcome to the world. I am totally going to buy you a pony.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Hooker Heels Sold Separately

Me - "I need some new furniture, but I don't have any money."

My buddy N. - "Why don't you just go to a thrift store? Or the Salvation Army? Or a second whore shop?"

Me - "That's not a bad... wait, a what?"

N. - "A second who... um, a second hand shop."

Me - "Quite a Freudian slip there, bucky."

N. - "I honestly have no clue why I said that."

Me - "Is there anything going on in your personal life that I should know about? I mean, are you, like, in the market for a gently-used whore?"

N. - "Okay, okay. Moving on."

Me - "I'm just saying I'm never going shopping with you."

N. - "You're going to torture me with this for awhile, aren't you?"

Me - "Probably."

N. - "Wonderful."

Me - "Whoremonger."

Sunday, December 13, 2009

H-Town Pride

Although we're one of the largest cities in the United States, Houston is lacking in a lot of ways. We don't have a unique, unifying personality. We're not a mecca for celebrities. Our mass transit sucks.

But you know what we do have?

The nations's first lesbian mayor.

In your face, Los Angeles.

Friday, December 04, 2009

FeminEvn

Sarah: "I really like that new Lady Gaga video."

Me: "LADY GAGA IS A TOOL OF THE PATRIARCHY."

Sarah: "Evn... I acknowledge and appreciate your awareness. Really, I do. But it's important to remember that not everyone is a tool of the Patriarchy."

Me: "That's what the Patriarchy wants you to believe."

Sarah: "Just out of curiosity, how many feminist blogs are you misinterpreting I mean following these days?"

Me: "A couple."

Sarah: "Define 'a couple.'"

Me: "Well, Shakesville, of course. And Shapely Prose. And Feministe."

Sarah: "Okay..."

Me: "And Feministing. And Fugitivus. And The Rotund. And Fetch Me My Axe. And Renegade Evolution. And Rage Against The Man-chine. And I Blame The Patriarchy. And I Shame The Matriarchy. And Bitch, Ph.D..."

Sarah: "Okay, wow. I think you may have overdosed."

Me: "And you know what's weird? For the past few months, I've been feeling so angry all the time. You know? Because society inherently favors men and equality is an illusion?"

Sarah: "Apropos of nothing, but do you still have issues with Attention Deficit Disorder?"

Me: "Well, yeah. Why?"

Sarah: "Because I'd like you to play with this stuffed-toy monkey until I figure out how to explain feminism in a way that will help you become a positive force for change instead of an impotent, insulting conspiracy theorist."

Me: "Monkey!  Hey, wait a minute... what kind of monkey?"

Sarah: (rubbing her forehead) "It's a gender-neutral, sexually ambiguous capuchin with a Masters Degree in Interdisciplinary Oppression Studies from the University of California at Berkeley, okay?  Are you happy with that?"

Me: "SEXUAL AMBIGUITY IS A TOOL OF THE PATRIARCHY."

Sarah: "Get out of my house."

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Thou shalt not suffer a poisoner to live

And by "poisoner," I mean the Popeye's Chicken on the corner of Richmond Avenue and Chimney Rock.

I thought those crawfish tasted funny.

Alas, no trivia this week, unless I miraculously find myself able to digest anything other than toast and applesauce. In the meantime, feel free to go all open thread on my comments section. Stories that do not involve crawling to the bathroom at 3:30 a.m. would be most appreciated, since, y'know, I'm already living that dream.