Monday, December 28, 2009

Overprotection Sets In

In honor of my niece's arrival, I have composed an open letter to all newborn male babies in the greater Boston area:

Dear newborn male babies,

IF ANY ONE OF YOU LECHEROUS LITTLE FUCKERS EVER GETS WITHIN FIFTEEN FEET OF MY PRECIOUS ANGEL, I WILL TASE YOU IN THE FACE.

Please re-read before hitting puberty.

Cordially,

Uncle Evn

PS: I also have a machete.

13 comments:

k. sequoia said...

I LOVE this!

My dh is constantly revising the ways he will torture the youth who sniff around his two girls (currenlty 2.5 and 5.5).

Congratulations!

Kim @ redhandferi

Evn said...

Thanks, Kim! Do you happen to have a shotgun? I need one to clean while interrogating potential suitors.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Don't get all uptight, Evn. With any luck, she'll be a lesbian!

Pom said...

'nough said.. *nods*

Yewtree said...

LOL, Evn. With an uncle like you she'll be a sassy kid who can take care of herself. Maybe even a lesbian!

Evn said...

So we've got two votes for lesbian so far. Works for me!

Brother Christopher said...

Wait, aren't gay uncles suppose to be the ones that expose thier nieces to all the worldliness and hedonism?

Anonymous said...

I'd venture that Uncle Evn becomes Auntie Mame in the not too distant future, much ro the chagrin of the parents.

BB Brian

knottybynature said...

My gay uncle gave me a passion for antiques, crystal and silver. Spending time with him gave me the ability to be 'okay' with people who were 'different'.

Later on, I picked up some really wonderful gay friends. They taught me an appreciate of individuals and compassion for everyone, regardless of their differences.

But being gay or straight doesn't really matter all that much - it comes down to how open-minded the individual is. I had a unique opportunity with a specific 'group' of people. The rest of my family was probably not so accepting, but by spending time with people who were open-minded in nature (even through their nature), I think it made me a better person for it.

I am sure that whatever influence you extert will be both beautiful, open-minded, and delightful corrupting.

Children are amazing, aren't they?

k. sequoia said...

ooooOOoooo! I want to be "Delightfully Corrupting!"

But not to my own children. ;1 Anyone have some spares?

Kim @ redhandferi

Anonymous said...

Don't forget to send that same letter to all the priests in the area...

zemkat said...

Awesome. Just remember, that you promised me your firstborn...to eat, of course.

Kitty said...

My gay uncle gave me a copy of "Our Bodies Ourselves" when I was 12, much to the horror of my mother :) I miss him....