Friday, November 20, 2009

I am not okay

[Ed. note: Humorous and/or righteously indignant essays about the State of NeoPaganism Today will return shortly. And this post may disappear within the hour. If it does, don't worry. I probably just decided to stop dragging everyone else down with me. Also, please know that I'm not preparing to fling myself off a bridge or anything--I'm just getting some stuff out.]

When Jack and I broke up, I was upset but not particularly crushed. The end of our affair was a long time in the making, and while we haven't always seen eye to eye over the past couple of months, we've managed to cohabitate reasonably well, to the point of even getting along with each other.

Then Tuesday happened. I'd pulled an admittedly stupid, disrespectful stunt, and Jack was understandably pissed off, and I tried to apologize, and in doing so I suddenly blurted, "I am still in love with you." And hey, funny thing, but I didn't know I was still in love with him until I heard those words burble out of my mouth. I honestly thought I was, like, healing and shit. Instead, I discovered that I'm really, really good at lying to myself.

Fuck.

And I know, okay? I know I should've tossed some clothes in a bag and broken our lease the second the relationship officially ended, and cut off all contact until I felt whole again. But I didn't, because (brace for more delusion) I had it in my head that this was just a phase: Jack would get whatever out of his system, come to his senses and be down on his knees begging me to take him back well before our anniversary. And I would say no, and vengeance would be mine. In anticipation of this grand event, I refused to deal with the reality of the situation, and when Jack didn't prostrate himself at my feet, I freaked out and threw things at walls, because Look how crazy my love for you makes me! Look how I prove my worthiness to you by going violently out of my mind! Which, y'know. Always works.

The truth of the matter is this: Jack is not going to beg me to take him back, because he does not want to get back together. No amount of unstable or self-destructive behavior on my part is going to change that.

Have you ever seen one of those "depression hurts" commercials? I always assumed that the "hurt" thing was figurative, but no, it does indeed physically hurt. I desperately want the pain to go away, but depression is unfamiliar territory. I don't know how to navigate it. I'm afraid I'm going to get lost in it. In the meantime, as I've been mucking through this gray, Sisyphean landscape, Jack is... blossoming. He's been working out, hitting the town with new friends and generally just loving life. That hurts even worse. He's happy, while every morning I look in the mirror to find a wilted, ugly thing with bloodshot eyes staring back.

I understand that I shouldn't be beating myself up so badly, that I should be doing something to repair my devastated self-esteem, or at the very least start looking for a new apartment. But all I'm able to do right now is fixate on how weak I truly am. You see, despite my fantasies of empowerment and revenge, I was ultimately the one who broke down and begged. Above everything else, that hurts most of all.

26 comments:

Anonymous said...

The best thing to do is GET a NEW place to live FIRST. Then have a bit pity party and get really drunk, when you get out of rehab(jk) start a new journal and start keeping a eye on you and your emotions. Then find a therapist, and if you have therapist Fire them for not making you move out, and find a new one. Sadaka said it best " They say that breaking up is hard to do" he is right it hurts like hell. You can make it through if you want too.

Deinos said...

Boy, does that take me back. I lived with my ex for 6 months after he broke up with me and deluded myself in much the same way. Sorry to hear that you're going through all that.
It probably doesn't help, but have a virtual hug, anyway. If nothing else, take comfort in the fact that you are not the only self-destructive boob out there. :D

Peace

Bo said...

Big big hugs. xx

Livia Indica said...

I did that too once: Got dumped and stayed around anyway. It's not worth it. Move out as soon as you can. Yeah, it hurts like hell and by moving out you're admitting that it's over but only by doing that can you have any hope of getting past the pain and moving on with your life. Move. Move now! Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

Trust me. I'm not any happier than you at the moment. I don't think WE are a good thing, but I love and cherish you always. I look forward to the day we can be friends again. That's just not anytime real soon. I have my own things I'm dealing with. In addition to our situation, I have work issues, friend issues and financial concerns. I know you have much of the same going on and I'm sorry. Hurting people is not what I mean to do, but I seem to do a great job at it.

I'm not happy at all, but I'm the only one who can fix that. I'm not GONE, but our relationship will need to evolve over time to something different than the dysfunctional 8 years we have already gone through. That's not a blame, it's a fact of how we interact. We can't even hold conversations, Thomas. We haven't been able to for years. So I'd lock myself up in one room and play video games while you watch movies or TV. You don't get me and I don't get you.

You deserve better than that and so do I. We have very different needs and desires and that doesn't mean YOU weren't enough or I wasn't enough. It means we can celebrate what is/was right and move on for what I couldn't give you and you couldn't give me. I have no blame or regret for what we have had and what I hope we become. WE deserve a better life and until we are happy with ourselves, we're no good to each other. You know it's true.

much love,

Jack

miakoda said...

Being able to talk about it is a good sign, IMO. Friends can provide perspective -- much like that bloodshot stranger in the mirror. At least that was the case with me and my ill-advised lingering stay with my ex.

Take care of yourself above all, and give that hurt its due. Shoving it down will hurt more in the long run. Eventually there will come a day when it stings just a little less, you're a little bit stronger, and you can think about the past without choking.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Hugs and hearts-ease to you, Evn. I hope you find a new apartment soon. It will be for the best!

jennielle9 said...

Hey--It's Jenny S. I'm thinking of you and sending warmth your way. You'll get to a better place but I know it totally sucks and hurts in the meantime. Hug you were I there. . .

Veles said...

I'll keep you in my thoughts, Sir.

Jarred said...

It sounds to me like you're grieving the loss of an eight year relationship. That's perfectly normal. The denial. The depression. The anger. Sounds like there's even a bit of bargaining in there. All normal.

The thing is, the grieving process takes what it takes. And it takes whatever time it takes. So not only would I encourage you not to be too hard on yourself, I'd also encourage you not to try rushing it too much. It's a lesson I had to learn a few years ago when I broke up with my boyfriend of four years. And our relationship wasn't nearly as long or as committed as yours and Jack's was. We didn't live together, for example.

zemkat said...

I know what you mean about depression hurting. It's a as much a physical illness as a mental one. Lamictyl may help.

Yewtree said...

Hey, Evn, just saw your tweet. Big big hugs from me too.

It's always difficult to accept when something isn't working if it still works on some levels. But a relationship has to work on all levels (values, interests, chemistry, communication, shared humour, etc) and it sounds like one or more of those was missing.

And yeah, move out. I'm still friends with my ex but I moved out almost immediately. If you and Jack want to remain friends, then somebody has to move out.

Le Petit-Guignol said...

Cymbalta dude- trust me, it's a brain chemestry thing.

Trothwy said...

I love you. Hang in there, sweetie!

Junior said...

You don't understand depression. Well, sit down because I do... Just try to remember that what you are going through is temporary, don't let yourself believe everyone else is doing better, keep busy, and remember that you have health, friends who love you, and an amazing future! If nothing else works, watch an old Care Bears episode... Always does the trick for me!

Siobhan said...

it DOES hurt. And sometimes it makes you vomit, too.

Focus on ONE thing, and do it. Don't try to do too much or you'll fail at everything and hate yourself more. And I agree with the thread -- that ONE thing should be finding an apartment. NOT moving -- find a place, sign a lease. Think about packing and movers and whatnot AFTER. That can be your next accomplishment.

Ditto on whoever said you were grieving and going through the stages of grief. My dad was a grief counselor, and one thing he said once that really stuck with me was "the stages of grief are dead on, but the mistake people make is in thinking they happen one at a time and in sequence."

Much love to you Evn, and many, many hugs and cuddles.

Brother Christopher said...

even though I only know you from the land o internet, I send you big hugs.

Everybody has their own process and means. I know you will be fine.

hidingplainsight said...

I can only send hugs. I know how you feel. So been there. And turned out in the end that I couldn't understand why because I found that I really didn't want them either, there had been nothing to keep. Gawd.

Kitty said...

First off, Jack, I am going to be as nice as I possibly can...but you have absolutely no FUCKING business posting on this particular blog anymore. Give Thomas some space. You mucking around in a post of his about how depressed he is and then making it all about you makes me feel very violent towards you. Seriously, my hands are shaking and I am fighting the urge to come down there and pack up a bag for Thomas and drag him off to my house because your are to fucking selfish to move out even though you know how much pain he's in.

Now that *that's* off my chest...remember who our Friends are, let Them in and share your pain with Them. They will help I promise. That being said, there is nothing wrong with some medication help in difficult situations. Modern medicine does have it's perks.

Thalia said...

Thank you Kitty; I was thinking the EXACT SAME THING. Jack, I don't know you from Adam, but you got NO FUCKING BUSINESS posting all that. Jesusfuck! On Evn's blog! Seriously, what business do you have even reading this blog now, never mind commenting?

And really, going into all that on a blog? In public like that? Wow, you've got no concept of proper boundaries, do you?

Evn you're well rid of that.

Siobhan said...

Thalia & Kitty, thank you! I didn't want to reply and start something, but yeah, I was thinking the same thing, plus one more...

Jack, I have read every single post on this blog and until you posted that comment I did not know Evn's real name. Which he has, in fact, blogged about keeping to himself. And, since you are the more technical of the pair, known through Evn's blogging and your words here indicating how much time you spend online -- you do NOT out a blogger.

Passive aggressive boundary violation superfail.

And I want you also to consider that the very worst thing Evn has said about you on this blog is that you don't love him. So you don't even have anything to defend against, and yet you are here trying to tell your side. So maybe you need to consider why you needed to do that.

Cat Chapin-Bishop said...

Hey, everybody... chill.

Evn is a big boy, and he doesn't need our help to fend off his ex. (Evn, if that's untrue, well, contact any one of us offlist and I bet you'll get lots and lots of people ready and willing to say REALLY angry stuff. We all have exes, and we all can go to mad-on-your-behalf if that's what you are in need of; just say the word!)

It's true, all of us loyal strifemongers are, um, loyal. So we're not going to see this from anybody's point of view but Evn's. After all, what's the point of starting your own fan club if you can't rely on your fans to see it your way? And I think Evn (and Jack) knows that's how it's gonna be.

Evn's blog. Evn's fans. Evn's point of view.

But I'm not hearing Evn trash Jack, and it isn't necessarily going to make him feel better if we do, because part of what's hurting is still feeling in love. Inconveniently so, but there it is.

I will say that the time I spent between the breakup of my first marriage and when I was able to put down first, last, and a security deposit on an apartment was among the most agonizing weeks I have ever spent in my life. It is pretty near impossible to start to get your head straight while living together.

I'll also add that the one person who can't comfort either member of a breakup couple is the other half of that former couple. But--and this is experience speaking--the instinct to try to comfort or counsel or guide is still there. That's especially true for the person who called the shot on breaking up--guilt/pain are inevitable on that side of the relationship, too, even when it's crystal clear that ending was what needed to happen. It takes a little trial and error to let it go, those crazy instincts to reconnect to soon.

Evn, I'm sorry it's hurting. Remember you have friends who love you for a reason. Remember to eat, get out of bed, get a little exercise every day, because even though those things won't make you feel any better, they will fight your body's tug toward depression. (We all have it after a loss.)

And move out, bro. You may not be glad you did, but you'll be relieved... eventually.

{{{hug}}}

knottybynature said...

Love is the most irrational thing a human being can do. Love hurts. Love often sucks, and not in a good way.

People can scream science and pheromones and all sorts of other technical business, but in the end, we are compelled to people because there is something about them that we care about, and generally, there is something about us they see.

I walk the world wounded and bleeding. Not because I choose to, but because some wounds just never heal, they seep from your very soul and it takes a lot of searching to find the cause, fish it out, and then...well then, you still are scarred. And the people we love the most wound us the deepest. In that, in our anger and agony, we move through the world.

I will not give you opinion, I know very little of the relationship you had. I will not give you advice, because generally, advice never applies to us, does it?

But I'll tell you how I've dealt with it.

Even in my anger and sorrow, my woundings and bleedings, there was something about the person that I came to love. Something that made that person special in my eyes and in my heart.

So I hope that even though my love is not reciprocated, I want the best for the person I love. I hope for them, I dream for them, and I want them to do well at life.

And in that time, in that instance, I realize that somewhere, I have to have some love for myself, because I would have never found love at all had *I* not been the person that *I* was. *I* deserve to be happy, and *I* deserve to do well. I wrestle with that a lot, because I believe that I am a selfless person when it comes to the happiness of those around me, often times neglecting myself. I am not a person of casual relationships.

I cannot do well if I am dwelling on loss. I cannot be happy if I spend all my energy on making someone else happy who does not put into it the same things I do. What did Ghandi say? Something to the effect of, "You cannot hurt me without my permission."?

All I can say to you is that if you want an objective person to talk to, I'm here. I'll email you my number if you'd like to call or text. Sorrow shared is lessened, joy shared is multiplied.

Thalia said...

Cat, I call out inappropriate behavior when I see it. Not doing so is tacit approval, and tacit approval contributes to situations like that of Kitty Genovese or to the neighbors saying He seemed like such a nice man. Those are extremes, yes, but it's all a continuum.

And that's before we even factor in the bit about how I like Evn.

Pax said...

Evn,

My condolences, and respect and prayers are with you.

Pax

patientes said...

I um... I kind of want to cry? Because In just about a minute, you made me feel for you, at the same time that I realised how much denial I am actually in. You probably don't want to hear about this, and I don't know if things have changed for you since November but.

I'm "engaged". I put that in quotes because I've been here before. Visiting this house instead of living in it, planning a wedding with the same man, feeling the same things that I'm feeling now, while in the same position.

I live in his parents house because I was homeless a few months ago and he saved me. Literal kidnapping was involved. He's been kicked out because of an incident from three weeks ago.

Everything was eventually fine before. Because at the end of the day, no matter if we fought or things were crazy... he still had to come home at night into the room we share and lay down with me to sleep and we fixed things.

But now... I'm swiftly coming to the realisation that no matter what he says... He's only still in this for sex. When I say that if we do anything, I won't see him for a while, he swears he's going to come over the next day, too. And then... he doesn't.

What that post made me realise is how much denial I'm really in about the state of my relationship. And even though this comment is supposed to be about you... I wanted you to know that the post woke me up to that fact. I'm sorry for the spam to your comments.