Friday, September 04, 2009

If he calls you next, just say "The Bible."

My phone rang promptly at 6:55 this morning. Caller ID listed Co-Witch A.'s number, so I scrambled to answer, hoping nothing was wrong.

"Hello?"

"Hi Evn!" said Co-Witch A., in a voice that was perky yet murderous. "Do you have a sec?"

"Sure," I said cautiously. "What's up?"

"Well, Sean was supposed to conduct a survey for school this week, but he forgot about it, and it's due today. So now we're calling people who are usually awake at this ungodly hour. Would you mind answering some questions for him?"

"No problem!" I said, since I'm always happy to be of assistance to Sean, and I'd very much prefer that Co-Witch A. not wind up on the evening news. "Put him on."

"Hi Evn," Sean said. I could hear growling in the background, which I quickly understood to be Co-Witch A. reminding him to thank me for my help. "Thanks for your help! I'm just going to ask you a few questions about reading. Do you like to read?"

"Yes," I said.

"Okay," he replied. "Do you read for entertainment or for information?"

"Both."

"Where do you normally like to read?"

"My living room."

"Cool. What's your favorite book?"

"Hmm, let's see..."

"Your favorite book that would be appropriate to discuss at my school."

Yes, that's right, I just got clocked by a 10-year-old, who was fully prepared for me to toss out The Story of O or Llewellyn's Practical Guide to Ritual Disembowelment in response to a 5th-grade literature survey and felt the need to put his foot down before I could answer. The kid knows me too well.

I ended up saying that my favorite book was Blue Heaven, which is a very funny novel, but, I realized a second too late, one that goes on and on about homosexuality and recreational drug use. Again, maybe not terribly appropriate. So then I tried to change my answer to Maybe The Moon, which is another wonderful novel, but one which also goes on and on about homosexuality and recreational drug use and the interracial sex lives of dwarves.

Why I couldn't have come up with something like Anne of Green Gables is anyone's guess. Granted, it's totally Sean's fault for waiting until the last minute, but I really, really, really hope his teacher doesn't start poking around on Amazon.com.

6 comments:

Siobhan said...

Ok, that was hiLARious.

You could have started the survey with "no! I'm illiterate!" and saved yourself some trouble there.

Although it sounds to me like the teacher is trying to get other people to make up his/her reading list for him/her so you gaming his/her attempt to get out of work is all rockin'.

beweaver said...

What an awesome kid who knows how to use appropriate appropriately in a sentence. Cracked me UP.

Iritar said...

This was great! Kids are awesome and I bet this teacher will be quite shocked if he/she delves into it a bit further!

Anne-Kathrine said...

OMG that was too funny!

Anne Johnson said...

LOL! The teacher might want your phone number ... look on the bright side.

knottybynature said...

You never really know how smart little kids are until you have to deal with them.

"Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"?