Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Mind Over Melancholia

Here's another fun comic book analogy for you.

Way back in the mid 80's, during a stressy period in the lives of the X-Men, the second Phoenix went kind of berserk and decided to whack Selene, the Black Queen of the Hellfire Club. Phoenix broke into Selene's residence and proceeded to go all Medieval, but then Wolverine showed up and tried to reason with her. I don't remember the exact dialogue, but it went something like this:

Wolverine - "Vengeance goes against everything the X-Men stand for."

Phoenix - "Rahr!"

Wolverine - "Please calm down."

Phoenix - "I will, I will. Right after I finish kicking Selene's butt."

Wolverine - "Really, I mean it. You're starting to freak me out."

Phoenix - "The only way to stop me, Logan, is to kill me!"

Wolverine - "Fine. Stab stab!"

Phoenix - "Ow! Dude, you are such an asshole."

Selene - "Okay, wow. This is awkward."

And so it was. In a valiant attempt to Do The Right Thing, Wolverine ran his claws through Phoenix's heart. But she survived, against all odds, by using her mighty telekinetic abilities to hold her wounds together. She couldn't concentrate her powers on anything else, but she survived.

I find myself in a similar position.

A couple of weeks ago, I stopped practicing Witchcraft. Not intentionally--I mean, it wasn't like there was some formal passing-of-the-athame or a reintroduction to Anglicanism, just that all the regular, Witchy aspects of my life mysteriously dried up. No lighting of candles or burning of incense; I can't remember the last time I worked up a geomantic chart, and I completely forgot to hold my annual Nemoralia celebration.

Oh, but I did attend a guided meditation workshop. I'm told my snoring was gentle and not at all distracting to the other participants.

I wake up every morning and go to work. I put in eight or nine hours, come home, watch TV, have a couple of cocktails and go to bed. On the weekends, I hang out a British pub around the corner with a few old college buddies. Realistically, I should be screaming and crying and grieving the death of a 7-year relationship and refusing to leave my apartment, but instead I'm going about my daily routine and maintaining a relatively positive outlook, just without any of the occult interests I'd normally spend all my free time cultivating.

It's weird to feel normal, when by all rights I should be wasting away. Hell, it's weird to feel normal period, and not like a Practitioner of the Dark Arts in Good Standing. I like feeling like a Practitioner of the Dark Arts in Good Standing. It's a big chunk of how I define myself. But it's gone at the moment, and I think it's because the part of my mind/spirit/whatever that would normally be focused on the metaphysical is now dedicated to holding my wounds together.

On one hand, this is a good thing: A couple of nuclear meltdowns nonwithstanding, I'm handling this whole crappy situation way better than I ever thought I could. Plus it's cool to be able to identify with one of my favorite superheroes. On the other hand, I miss Witchcraft. I miss being the Great and Terrible Evn. But I don't have the emotional strength right now to be anything other than... well, me.

After her showdown with Wolverine, Phoenix went away for a while, then snagged her own limited series and made a spectacular comeback with the Excalibur franchise. This morning, one of our receptionists dropped by my office with a package. Seems I'd won a contest over at Good Mom/Bad Mom (totally slipped my mind), my prize being the following:

My first thought as I gazed upon my tumescent little tchotchke was What in the HELL am I supposed to do with this?

My next thought was Feature it as the centerpiece of a shrine devoted to the Ancestors of Men Who Love Men, as revealed by the Unnamed Path. Then go clean your altar.

I'm ressurecting nicely. Slowly, but nicely. Phoenix would be proud.


Bo said...

I'm so sorry. Huge hugs from me. xx

Evn said...

Gratefully accepted. And I promise I'm going to be okay.

Moon'sLark/Pam said...

This is not unusual... after 2 years I am still going through this kinda drain of my other me-ness... I find that somedays I miss the Witchiness stuff, but I don't yet have the energy to create the intent to do more than just exist in the normal world -- get up, go to work, take care of the house and kids and cats, and collapse in bed wondering why I can't get back to being MORE...

But it does get better... slowly, healing will happen...


Code Name Sarah said...

Dude, you just won a flying penis. If that isn't a sign that things are getting better, I don't know what would be...

(WV = persair. That would be the Sacred Airline of Persephone, I presume.)

Brother Christopher said...

That is hilarious, what a delightful gift to get in the mail.

As I don't really know all what is going on or why, I can't really say much, other then, this stuff happens. Sometimes being "normal" has a magic all it's own and maybe it just means you are standing at a precipice, waiting for the sign that says "jump"

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Wishing you heart's ease. Hopefully the penile phoenix is a sign that better times are on their way!

Evn said...

Guys, thanks so much for the support and encouragement. It is appreciated more than you know.

(Christopher, the "jump" sign actually turned up in a Tarot reading last night. Should be an interesting next few months.)

Siobhan said...




My cats have responded to me telling them about your plight with extreme disinterest and intermittent begging for pets. In other words, the kitteh divination says "all will be well, and all will be well, and all manner of things will be well."

zemkat said...

Can I borrow that winged penis? I feel kinda lonely tonight.

Red Delicious said...

Wow. You've got enough wing dong to open a Chinese food restaurant.

AND, before your readers cry, "Racism!" and point their fingers all pointedly, I ask that they direct their attention to this:

So... *rimshot.* Fo realz.

Yewtree said...

The winged penis is spectacularly awesome and beautifully carved.

As said overemail, I'm sorry about the break-up. Hope that the clouds will clear and the wounds will heal. Probably good to start with something grounding like meditation and work your way back in from there.

Anonymous said...

I know it is hard, sometimes you just need to focus on other things until everything is settled.

Great prize, who wouldn't want one of those lol.


Kitty said...

Your snoring was lulling me deeper into meditation :) And murder is still on the table...along with toenails and black chickens...

I can't give much more than that as I just got home from school after listening to three hours of the History of Darwinism...

wv: procks says it all quite nicely :)

Jennifer said...

Hah, a friend of mine made a flying penis for Beltane. This one's a bit nicer though.

The witchiness will return in time. I've found that my psychicness kind of goes away during times of heartbreak, but it eventually returns.

Angela-Eloise said...

Hi Evn,

Hang in there, man, believe me I know how you feel.

7 year relationship in the crapper? check

Witchcraft out the window? check

Winged penis? well, you have that one on me

When you find your way back to the path, let me know how you did it. In the mean time, I'm making peach cobbler.


Evn said...

I'll totally trade you the winged penis for the peach cobbler.

Anonymous said...

And the women who love THEM.

I get this, all of it.


Magaly Guerrero said...

Welcome back to life darling, even if it is very slow. It is okay to take a break sometimes or to leave and never come too. As long as you feel that your decision is helping you grow into the great man--with a weird penis angel thingie on the altar--that you always wanted to be.

Much love and lots of positive energy from a witchy blogger friend.

Anne Johnson said...

You know that sappy story about the footprints, where God picked the dude up and carried him when the going got tough, so there was only one set of footprints? Well, faeries don't work that way. They see to it that you get a winged penis in the mail. It's all the same, though. The Elementals have your back -- you will rise like a Phoenix ... or a phallus ... or some such.

Red Delicious said...

Disney bought Marvel today. Merry Christmas.

Siobhan said...

Sing with me now: It's the end of the world as we know it...

wvw: diess -- what my heart did a little when I heard this news.

Yewtree said...

Regarding the footprints story - I prefer the Discordian version.

knottybynature said...

Wasn't the second phoenix like an alien carbon copy of Jean Grey who lived in a pineapple, er POD under the sea for a while?

Better Phoenix than Kwannon, I suppose. :) Rise from the ashes!

wv: Mened.... define that one. :D

Nettle said...

Just posting a belated comment to say thank you for this, it came to me at the right time and gave me a sustaining mental image (Phoenix, not the winged penis, though that's pretty great too) when I needed it. So, um, thanks.