Monday, November 17, 2008

The Brotherhood of Snuggie

Although I'm not a fan of the advertising industry, I have a weakness for those "Not Available In Stores" commercials; the ones that feature terrible acting and bizarre products that no one in their right mind would ever actually use.

No one but me, that is. I loved my Magic Bullet, up until I accidentally destroyed it. Turns out, the Magic Bullet was not designed to pulverize myrrh.

What? I needed incense.

Anyway, I saw a commercial over the weekend that just about killed me. It opens with a woman sitting on a couch in a tastefully appointed living room, rubbing her arms in an effort to stave off hypothermia. An announcer pipes up to explain the situation through doggerel verse:

"You want to keep warm when you're feeling chilled, but you don't want to raise your heating bill."

The woman glares at her thermostat, which is leaking cartoon dollar signs. The camera shifts, and the woman is now lying on the couch under a blanket, visibly disillusioned.

"Blankets are okay, but they can slip and slide," the announcer continues, in a tone suggesting that anyone who uses a blanket in this day and age should go back to the caves and bang rocks. "And when you need to reach for something, your hands are trapped inside!"

On screen, the telephone rings. The woman flails helplessly about, desperate to free herself from the blanket, which has apparently come to life in order to devour her.

Before the blanket can claim its victim, the announcer jumps in to save the day. "Now, there's the Snuggie!" she exclaims. "The blanket that has sleeves!"

Not to come across as a bumpkin or anything, but down here in the caves, we call a blanket with sleeves a "robe." However, the Snuggie distinguishes itself from traditional housewear in that it slips on from the front. The woman is now happily wrapped in a Snuggie, which sports voluminous bell sleeves and a wide, hood-like collar. She looks, for all intents and purposes, like a cozy, comfortable, Satanic High Priestess.

The rest of the commercial depicts a variety of people ("One size fits all!") wearing Snuggies in different chilly environments, revealing that Satanists are far more domestic than one might assume. A Satanic High Priest types contentedly on his laptop; a group of Satanic High Priestesses cheer from the bleachers at a Little League game; two members of the Satanic High Priesthood and their Satanic Acolyte children toast marshmallows over a campfire.

By the marshmallow scene, I was literally choking on glee. I ran into the other room to describe the commercial to Jack, but I was laughing too hard to make any sense: "Blanket... sleeves... Satanic... Little League... Snuggie!"

Eventually, Jack understood that I was talking about something As Seen On TV. His eyes turned to flint.

"You may not have a Snuggie," he said.

"I don't want a Snuggie," I replied. "It was just a really funny commercial."

But oh, secretly, I do want a Snuggie. And if I order today, I'll receive a second Snuggie at no extra charge, plus a handy, clip-on book light, perfect for reading the works of Edred Thorsson during evening rituals.

If you want a Snuggie of your very own, you'll need to act quickly. Satanic High Operators are standing by to take your call. And your soul.

---

Update: It has come to our attention that the Snuggie is an imitation of the Slanket, which is more expensive, but which offers a wider selection of colors.

Such as hunter green.

Hint. Nudge.

31 comments:

Red Delicious said...

Necessity is the mother of invention. As Seen on TV is usually borne of desperation at the lack of necessity.

And lest you think I've become all wise or something, keep in mind that I cashed in my tickets from a trivia game on Saturday night at a bowling alley / video game brothel to buy a noise-making machine called "Dr. Fart."

Souris Optique said...

LOL. I had to look it up. I concur. But despite being essentially the same thing, the "Slanket" reminds me more of (R. Crumb's) Mr. Natural's robe-thingie.

Code Name Sarah said...

They're the fuzzy fleece hospital gowns of Satan.

That last circle is pretty cold, you know. It makes sense.

knottybynature said...

Wow! That's just as awesome as the metal Spork!

Satanist in their Snuggies must be fed with a long-handled spork, you know....

Evn said...

They make metal Sporks?!

Must. Have. One.

knottybynature said...

Evn...

Here's something that will tickle your fancy and win me some brownie points.

I did not know if you were aware that Wal-mart has this entire section in their store for products 'As Seen On TV'. If you require a new 'Magic Bullet' your local Wal-mart probably carries one. If you can't get locally, you may, in fact look for it on their Site-to-Store (walmart.com), or...if you can't find it there, you can get a member of management (go for the Co or the store manager), then throw yourself at their feet and beg them to MTR (merchandise transfer request, I think it is) one from another store that has them. This can be done. In fact...if they say they can't, burst into tears, tell them that you thought the customer was always right, and then ask them for a comment cart because you're going to send a letter to home office.

That should cinch it up, and help you get a replacement.

The bullet is cool, I've always wanted one. :) At least now I know it doesn't do Myrrh.

Evn said...

Knotty, I did not know that!However, Walgreens also has an "As Seen On TV" section...and one of the big outlet malls out in the 'burbs has an "As Seen On TV" store.

Who needs Sharper Image?

At least now I know it doesn't do Myrrh.

Um, or frankincense. Or Queen Elizabeth root. Maybe just stick to foodstuffs with it...

miakoda said...

I'd never heard of a Snuggie or Slanket or any of these vaguely sinister Smurf-sounding names before your post ... and yet I got a spam email advertising the wonders of the Snuggie not a half day after reading this. It's a sign! Clearly the Cozy-Staticky Satanist Brigade of Fleecy Goodness is watching you.

/cue ominous muzak

Evn said...

Clearly the Cozy-Staticky Satanist Brigade of Fleecy Goodness is watching you.

Darn. Just when I get the Illuminati off my back...

knottybynature said...

They say possession is nine/tenths of the law.

Appears to apply spiritually as well. Go figure.

*snurk*

Anne Johnson said...

I saw that commercial! I'd rather shiver than be caught in one of those ugly things!

Evn said...

Perhaps I shouldn't mention that my Slanket is already on its way.

knottybynature said...

Can you imagine wearing one of those things in ritual?

The full moon would be out, regardless of it being overcast.

Evn said...

LOL

Backs to the Quarters at all times. :o)

beweaver said...

Me? I would totally use a Slanket. But I'd make my own of course. Just so I could make it in paisley or Tinkerbell polar fleece.

As for As Seen on TV, why bother with WalMart (now there is Satan for you) or Walgreens (the drug version of Walmart and also Satan) when you can simply go to:

http://www.asseenontv.com/

Evn said...

Tinkerbell polar fleece.

This intrigues me.

Anann said...

OK, I stumbled onto your blog completely by happenstance...Let me just say, I am laughing so hard that tea came directly out of my nose. I've seen that commercial, and it is eighteen different kinds of ridiculous.
You are my new favorite. :P

Evn said...

Eek, sorry about the tea. (Tea is for drinking, not for snorting.) But I'm glad you found me. Welcome to the Strifemongers.

Strifemongers, please initiate Anann.

Anann said...

Uh oh! I'm pretty sure this can only end in sadness...Please don't pants me...Please?

Strifemongers, eh? Anyone ever consider having t-shirts made?

I dig it. :D

Evn said...

T-shirts could be arranged...

Yvonne Rathbone said...

From the Slanket's "Slanketeering" page:

"The Slanket is my new best friend because all of my old friends may dump me if I don't stop raving about it."

It makes you love it. You will become the Slanket's love slave....

Evn said...

Already am. How do I love my Slanket? Let me count the ways.

1. It's warm and cozy and wearing it like getting a big hug.

2. See 1.

Pax said...

For most incenses I just use my coffee grinder... they are designed for pretty tough wear actually...

As for the Snuggie... my future husband and I saw that add and nearly died from laughter...

This was the PERFECT as seen on TV add!!!

netmw said...

The Snuggie blanket is so comfortable and warm. I got mine at Harriet Carter.

Jack Tomas said...

Dude, There is a cult. A cult for a blanket. A blanket! Soon it will come doused in smallpox like the Spanish did to the Indians. Don't you see old friend, it's a way for the Illuminati to wipe out middle America.

Evn said...

If the Illuminati wipe out Middle America, I am so in line for a civil service position with benefits and a pension.

I know people. That's all I'm sayin'.

vinny said...

Hello Evn, enjoyed your humor! I think you'll enjoy this "remake" of the Snuggie ad on youtube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h05ZQ7WHw8Y

Evn said...

Vinny, that was hilarious! Thanks for sharing it--the Brotherhood appreciates you. ;)

andy said...

Super. I totally thought the slanket was gay, but now I want it 'cause then I'll get to be "in the loop". Plus I could wear it to drive my kids to school...that's way more embarrassing than my red fleece jammie pants. Awesome.

I am such a follower.

My word verification is "forykerm", but with all the talk about sporks I thought it said fork-erm at first. Like a take on f#*k em'.

Evn said...

Hmmm. "Forykerm if they can't take a joke." Yes, that works.

beweaver said...

For you!

http://www.facebook.com/ext/share.php?sid=70462387315&h=Tf86p&u=LDtaX&ref=nf