Sunday, October 19, 2008

The Lil' Ol' Southern Lady (a parable)

The Lil' Ol' Southern Lady went to lunch with a group of her acquaintances, each of whom had recently celebrated a birthday.

"For my birthday," one woman said, "My husband bought me a full-length mink coat."

"Oh, that's nice!" the Lil' Ol' Southern Lady said. "That's really nice."

"Well, for my birthday," said another woman, "My husband bought me a brand new Mercedes convertible,"

"Oh, that's nice!" the Lil' Ol' Southern Lady said. "That's really nice."

"Well, for my birthday," said a third woman, "My husband bought me an all-expenses-paid, month-long trip to Europe."

"Oh, that's nice!" the Lil' Ol' Southern Lady said. "That's really nice."

The other three women turned to the Lil' Ol' Southern Lady and eyed her critically. "And what did your husband buy you for your birthday?"

"He bought me etiquette lessons," the Lil' Ol' Southern Lady said proudly.

"Etiquette lessons?" the women asked, amused yet unimpressed.

"Yes!" the Lil' Ol' Southern Lady replied. "You see, I used to say, 'I don't give a fuck.' But now I say, 'Oh, that's nice! That's really nice.'"

If you let the Lil' Ol' Southern Lady's words run continuously through your head, perhaps as a mantra of sorts, I guarantee you'll be able to make it through any NeoPagan event with a straight face.


Thalia Took said...

Yeah but where's the fun in that?

You Southerners are just too polite.

A Rude New Englander

Evn said...

It's tough to be from the South. There are, like, rules.

Thalia Took said...

Oh and speaking of rules, I tagged you for something over on Amused Grace if you'd like to participate. Or not.

Evn said...

I accept your tag, and I laugh in the face of adversity (read: you already tagged most of my go-to tag-people).

But I shall persevere.

Thalia Took said...

Ooooooo, you are competitive, aren't you?

Don't forget the changes to the rules I made, down towards the bottom.

Evn said...

Duly noted and adversified.

Livia Indica said...

That's almost as good as the the story of the southern woman meeting a northern family that's just moved down south.

The southern woman asks "Where ya'll from?"

The northern woman answers "We're from a place where we don't end our sentences with a preposition."

The southern woman answers back "Fine. Where ya'll from, bitch?"

Evn said...


That was going to be my encore post. ;)

Red Delicious said...

I have recently modified the phrase "I don't give a fuck" to sound more colloquial. Here goes. Ahem.

"I wouldn't give a fuck if fuck were free."

And, as a follow up,

"Not even if it were publicly traded."

Evn said...

Oooh, oooh! Red Delicious, tell the story of your favorite curse ever.

Anne Johnson said...

Swear to all the bored gods, I was at the health club today (on a sneaky two-week trial membership which I won't pick up), and the lockerroom was filled with retired bitches talking about their forthcoming trips to Rio and the Galapagos Islands. Knowing that I will never be able to retire or to go to Rio, I wanted to say, "NOW I KNOW WHO THE FUCK OBAMA WANTS TO TAX!"

Red Delicious said...

I've decided to make this a blog post of my own. Check it out:

Evn said...

I knew I could get you to blog again.

Gawds, but I'm good.

Red Delicious said...

You are quite influential. In fact, if wiktionary would accept it, I'd put a photo of the night that never happened up in conjunction with the definition of "influence." If such a night had ever happened. Which, of course, it did not.

Red Delicious said...

Wow, I just re-read that, and even I am thinking of things much worse than what actually *never* happened.

And, just for kicks and giggles, the word verification seems to be teasing me about it.

Evn said...

I am not familiar with the alleged "night" of which you speak.

Although, according to the terms of the hypothetical contract four alleged people may or may not have signed, doesn't speaking of this fictional "night" in a public forum result in the rest of us having free reign to kick your ass?

If I recall correctly, that is. Which I don't. Because nothing happened.

You stop hallucinating this instant.

Evn said...


Anne, I will totally buy you stuff if, next time, you actually say it. And when they look at you funny, you say this:

"Oh! I'm terribly sorry. By 'Now I know who the fuck Obama want to tax,' what I meant was 'you.'"

And then sic the fairies on them.

Souris Optique said...

Dammit, I wanna see the fairies go after Anne's annoying rich ladies.

My favorite has always been "Bless your heart." ;D

Evn said...

My favorite has always been "Bless your heart."

Let's put this in context for our Northern friends:

"I love her to death and would never say an ill-minded thing against her, bless her heart, but..."

And then you get to let fly with the flaming projectiles. But you blessed her heart first, so, y'know, Get Out of Jail Free.


Thalia Took said...

Yeah, I've heard of that one. The South likes its passive-aggression, don't it?