Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Witch by Design

Jack’s on a business trip right now, so I feel comfortable making a public announcement, knowing he won’t read this and have an aneurism until at least Thursday afternoon.

I want to become a NeoPagan interior designer.

Okay, yes, I freely admit that my taste levels have been questioned in the past. And I also admit that I’ve been watching too many reality competitions on the Bravo network while thinking, “You know, that doesn’t look so hard. Slap on a fresh coat of paint, bring in a new sofa set, help Kelly Wearstler remember how to use the muscles in her face... child’s play.”

But I did briefly work in the industry. And I’m looking at how the triptych of equal-armed Celtic crosses next to our sliding back door blends brilliantly with the ceramic decorations on our balcony. I’m looking at how the reproduction I picked up at the Museum of Fine Arts compliments my green devil Maurin Quina print (which, in turn, compliments Jack’s Cafés Chocolats). I’m looking at how the framed pieces of artwork leading to our bedroom--as well as the magnets on our refrigerator--create captivating, viable eyelines.

Even Jack will agree with me here. When I came home with a set of yin-yang candle holders, he rolled his eyes: “Great, just what we need. More crap.” Then, five minutes later, after he saw them installed in the master bathroom: “My God, they set off the shower curtain beautifully!

Oooh, and back when Jack’s brother lived with us, I had to move my altar into the living room. With a few subtle, well-placed religious symbols and a couple of pillar candles from Target, I created a practical, accessible devotional space that, at first glance, came across as an innocuous end table with some thoughtfully arranged knick-knacks on top. It totally fooled Co-Witch A., and she knows from altars.

I’m good. I could so do this.

All I need is some rich patrons to get me off the ground.

And I think I know how to find them.

When it comes to NeoPagan retail, the Houston area is cursed with abundance. There's the Magick Cauldron, Elemental Magick, Simply Magick, Lucia's Garden, Metaphysical Matrix, Rhyandra’s, Tranquil Thymes, Temple’s Gate and the Witchery, plus (should your occultism lean towards the Diasporic) the Blue Hand, the Stanley Drug Co., Botanica Elegua and thirty or so yerberias. But there’s also a New Age boutique, located in one of the city’s high-end shopping district, which caters specifically to wealthy socialites who want their country club acquaintances to think of them spiritual: Antique singing bowls, $3000 statues of Kwan Yin, The Secret on DVD, that sort of thing.

Those socialites are my moneymakers.

Here’s my business model. I get a part-time job at the boutique, learn enough about Feng Shui to sound like I know what I’m talking about, and make astute décor recommendations to the clientele decked out in diamonds and Hermés peasant skirts. People will talk (“He changed my life! And the billiard room!”), customers will start asking for me, and eventually, someone will want to know if I’d be so kind as to redo their summer home.

The rest, as they say, will be gravy. High-end gravy.

Look for me on Bravo, circa 2010. I’m going to be the next new thing, possums; I'm going to own this town. And I’m bringing you all along with me.

18 comments:

Jack said...

Punkin,

They have the internet in Atlanta. (Just so you know)

You didn't fool my brother. He knew that was an altar of some kind.

Also, I don't mean to discourage you from your aspirations in design, but all I need mention is "lady bug lamp." That is all.

Yvonne said...

Evn,

Go for it!

It'll be like this (runs and hides under a stone...)

Yvonne said...

Of course in your new career as an interior designer, you will want this: Color + Design Blog / Colors of Religion: Paganism

Evn said...

Yvonne, that site is brilliant! There will be no stopping me now.

:)

Pom said...

Evn, if you become hugely famous and start a chain of Pagan interior design companies may I please run the one in Missouri? I think I'd be fabulous at it too! My teen daughter (and you know how picky they can be) is thrilled with her new room and the Buddha display I gave her fits in perfectly despite the room having a "Phantom of the Opera" theme...

Evn said...

You're hired!

Rottie_mom said...

Ohhh do I get to say when you are famous. "I knew him way back when..."???? :)

Oh thanks for the list of stores, I was actually going to ask you about that since I'd only heard of the magick cauldron. Was checking out some of the websites. Simply magick's one is one of the best ones.

beweaver said...

Heh. I think it's a great idea! And if you need any uber expensive one of a kind wool pagan wall hangings, just let me know. ;-)

Evn said...

Rottie Mom: the Cauldron's definitely the best-known Houston stores, but all of them have neat stuff.

Lucia's and Elemental Magick are my current favorites, although I'm dying to visit the Witchery out in Galveston. (If it's still there after this weekend. Galveston, that is.)

Evn said...

Cynthia, I believe my socialite clients will be clawing each other's eyes out to get ahold of those.

Cosette said...

I think this is a rather brilliant idea. We need more Neo-Pagan interior designers. How much for a consultation?

Anne Johnson said...

My daughter The Spare will want to work for you. I'll send her by for an interview. All rambling about vampires aside, the kid's got a fabulous eye for upholstery. Which in my family makes her the parents' pet.

Evn said...

Cosette: I haven't set rates yet, but my tentative asking price is 10% of a given client's income. (Which is a Houston joke. Google "Victoria Osteen" and "trial," and prepare to laugh your ass off.)

Anne: The Spare is also hired, on account of I'm going to need an upholstery specialist/lackey.

Oh, and speaking of lackeys, you guys should both click on my "Follow this blog" link. I'm curious as to how many people need to sign up before you have to hit "View All" to see everyone.

knottybynature said...

How about you and I start a church too? That way we don't have to be taxed and can make loads of money.

All tax-free. All profit.

Can I get an 'Amen'?

Evn said...

Hmmm... a charismatic, non-denominational, Pagan megachurch that specializes in interior design...

Hell yes you get an Amen! Have two!

knottybynature said...

Man, everytime we see those really huge churches that rival the mega-malls (you know the ones that I'm talking about, they build pools and bowling alleys in them to keep their 'flock' from being corrupted from outside influences...which probably ups the chances of inbreeding, but you get the picture...), we generally refer to them as "Six Flags Over Jesus".

What would you call a Pagan Mega-Church?

Evn said...

What would you call a Pagan Mega-Church?

Catholicism.

knottybynature said...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!