Saturday, September 27, 2008

Long Live the Queen

It's been widely noted, if not necessarily understood, that republican VP nominee Sarah Palin formerly belonged to the Assemblies of God: a colorful branch of fake Christianity that has, over the years, spun off a number of wacky sects. Most notably the Third Wave.

Third Wavers, a cheeky gaggle of militant wingnuts if there ever was one, have declared an official jihad (I am not making this up) on the Queen of Heaven, known among the hell-bound masses as Diana, Artemis, Fatima and the Virgin Mary. She's a demon, they aver. Oh, and She's also the Whore of Babylon.

Speaking as a priest of said Queen, I resemble that last remark. And if you ask me, they left out several essential names. What about Astarte, Third Wavers? I love Astarte. But they also didn't call me for clarification; which, frankly, is a mortifying PR bungle on their part.

I could have cleared up a few things. Seriously. They need me.

And if I sound unduly irreverent, it's only because I'm scared out of my mind.

Just to set the record straight, I am not an alarmist, nor am I a reactionary. But I am a homosexual Witch who likes to speak his mind. In the eyes of those who subscribe to a debased satire of the Rabbi's teachings, who may just live to see one of their own ascend into the office of President of the United States, that makes me a target. Or a scapegoat. Or a sacrifice.

That said, I do feel the need to offer some constructive criticism before the grinning, glassy-eyed godbotherers show up to take me away.

To my Pentacostal readers (and believe me, I'm huge in rural Alaska): Call it "baptism" all you want, but if you forcibly hold someone under water for an extended amount of time, and he or she ends up having visions of the Divine, they are not catching the Spirit. They are drowning.

From a personal perspective, I'd happily pretend to talk in tongues if I was trying to keep several gallons of murky river out of my lungs and desperately wanting to breathe again. But hey, that's just me. You go on with your bad selves, Third Wavers. Praise Jesus. Blessed be.

Anne at The Gods Are Bored has called for Pagans to come together in solidarity, to present a united front in the face of what could quite possibly the most fundamentalist oligarchy this nation has ever seen. I've been thinking a lot about how we can accomplish this. No small feat, really, considering the Pagans in my immediate vicinity spend a lot of their free time coming up with creative new ways to hate each other.

But it strikes me that if the Third Wavers are in such a froth over the Queen of Heaven, perhaps we should make Her as visible as possible, then lock arms behind Her. And to do this, we'll need T-shirts. To quote Renée Zellweger in Love and a .45, "If I'm gonna get killed, I'm gonna look good doing it."

With that in mind, I'd like to direct my Loyal Strifemongers to The Cat & Cauldron, the online store of the amazing and fabulous artist Thalia Took (who just debuted a new blog). It's your one-stop shop for top-quality Queen of Heaven merchandise.

Products featuring Artemis, Diana, Fatima and The Virgin Mary are all obvious choices, but Ishtar, Isis, Mary Magdalene, Sophia and Stella Maris would be appropriate as well. And of course, Inanna is highly recommended: She is, after all, the original Queen of Heaven, plus I understand that Fundies tend to spontaneously go blind when their eyes fall upon empowered, topless Goddesses.

Conversely, if you'd rather just terrify them, nothing says "Do Not Fuck With Me" like a proud display of Anat across your chest. I'll be going with The Black Virgin myself, but I encourage you to find your own favorite design.

I really do hope the T-shirt thing catches on. I'm fantasizing about scenario a few months from now, when a Third Waver, possibly handing out apocalyptic religious tracts, glances at what I'm wearing as I pass by and shrieks, "You're one of them!"

"Yes," I'll reply. "And we're doing our very best to peacefully co-exist. Brightest of blessings to you and yours, bro. And long live the Queen."

13 comments:

Thalia Took said...

Oh my gawd, Evn, that is quite a plug! And here I was wondering how to get involved, as the new blog isn't really a political thing, more a journal of my creative processes type of thing. But heh. Yeah, Anat'll freak 'em right out, especially given that Her quote is, "I have killed God. It is just."

Heh.

Thanks for the plug!

Evn said...

You're most welcome. I thought you'd approve.

;)

Pom said...

Wow, Evn! Excellent!

The Third Wave commentary reminded me of a book I was required to read in high school called 'The Wave'. A History teacher had just covered HaShoah with his class and of course all sat there saying "how could they let that happen??". He decided to set up an experiment shortly after in which all of the class were given jobs within the class, logos to wear around their arms (of a wave shape), standards to meet in regards to how they presented themselves and a slew of other things that separated them from the rest of the school. As predicted, the class began feeling superior to the rest of the school, the downtrodden outcasts suddenly had purpose and pride, and before long anyone not in "the wave" were treated as less than and even beat up by the class.

After months of this experiment the teacher decided it was time to reveal the leader the class had heard of but not seen yet. They gathered into the room with tv monitors set up and Hitler himself was revealed to them.

Of course they were all disgusted with themselves and their arm bands with logo were left littering the floor - but they learned how easily the most heinous acts of the past can once again be resurrected (no pun intended) by those with the determination to obtain power for power's sake.

Just seemed a fitting story considering the current political climate....

Evn said...

Pom, you so need to post this story on your blog. In light of the situation we find ourselves facing, it's something that's necessary and relevant to share.

knottybynature said...

Good plug.

Lovely art.

Pom said...

Evn, your wish is my command - well in this instance anyway. lol

Jack said...

"Oh, and She's also the Whore of Babylon. Speaking as a priest of said Queen, I resemble that last remark."

Ohhhh, you're the Whore of Babylon. You look good for your age...and is that why you're always sore?

Red Delicious said...

Jack's comment is awesome, because nothing is more hilariously undermining than a comment that objectifies you sexually, and incidentally, I think that would be on of Sarah Palin's worst nightmares.

"I hate everything you stand for, but I love watching you go, baby."

Anne Johnson said...

Jack, be nimble ... then Evn won't be sore ...

--From Puck the faerie

AutumnStar said...

Greetings Evn, My first visit to your blog and have to say, you're hilarious! Great post and now I'm heading over to Cat and Cauldron!

Evn said...

Autumnstar, thanks for the kind words! I'm glad you're enjoying the blog (and Thalia appreciates your patronage).

annye said...

"grinning, glassy-eyed godbotherers" OMG ... I'll be using that one over and over and over.

A picturesque turn of phrase!

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