Tuesday, July 29, 2008


Jack does his best to be open-minded when it comes to my various beliefs and practices. I applaud his efforts, and in response do my best to not throw the occult in his face. Except when I accidentally do. Like when I'm parking.

My preternatural parking ability really bothers him, possibly because I've exhibited it so many times that he can no longer wave it away as mere coincidence. "Knock it off!" he shouted, after we pulled into an overflowing Best Buy parking lot two days before Christmas, and I immediately found a spot five feet from the store's entrance.

"I'm sorry!" I wailed. "I didn't mean to! It just happened!"

"Liar!" He roared. "You did it on purpose!"

Meanwhile, onlookers tried to decide if we were performing the scene in Love! Valor! Compassion! where Bobby tearfully confesses his infidelity, or the scene in The Initiation of Sarah where the protagonist's telekinetic powers suddenly manifest in the middle of a sorority mixer.

I shared this tale with my favorite Witch, who happens to be a fellow devotee of the Parking Goddess, and I mentioned that my parking power seems to be spreading to elevators. Seriously, I walk into the lobby of an office building, and ding ding ding, every lift at my disposal. She thunk on that for a bit, and then mused, "I wonder if there's a Goddess of elevators?"

This got me wondering, too. And as far as I know, there isn't an official one. As of yet.

So I hereby nominate Cardea, the Roman Goddess of... um, door hinges.

Okay, at first glance, not the most glamorous sphere of influence. But She's also the Goddess of thresholds and the protector of children, which is interesting when you consider that the Goddess Diana, traditionally associated with Witchcraft, is also the protector of children. And Cardea is romantically linked with Janus, God of beginnings and endings, which is also interesting, because in Witchcraft Today, Gerald Gardner points out that Diana and Janus were ancient names of the Gods of the Witches, so something is definitely going on here mythologically, and where the hell was I again?

Oh. Right. Elevators.

Elevators are liminal spaces. With doors. So Cardea is the Goddess of elevators. And here's how I think She should be venerated.

When you're getting on an elevator, and someone behind you goes, "Hold the door," you should:

a) Hold the door.

b) Say (to yourself or out loud), "Gladly do I hold this door in the name of Cardea."

Or, when you're on an elevator and you reach your floor, you should say, with exuberance, "We have arrived safely, by the grace of Cardea!"

Granted, these are little things, but I'll bet Cardea will appreciate them. Because any time the opportunity presents itself, we should let the Gods know how important They are.

All that aside, do me a favor and don't repeat any of this to Jack. If he finds out there's an actual Goddess behind my freaky parking thing, he'll ditch my ass for an atheist faster than you can say "rational humanism."


Deborah said...

Hail Squat!
Gracious owner of metered space and time
We salute and conjure thee.
Grant unto this, thy humble vehicle
A resting place.

Evn said...

Oh. You're good.

Anne Johnson said...

The aforementioned Cardea is a bored goddess. She will be overjoyed to have a task to perform for mortals.

Red Delicious said...

Read this. All of it.


Lisa Adams said...

Hrm, sounds like someone worth venerating. Besides, I use elevators A LOT! So I shall have to remember that.

Evn said...

Li, she's definitely worth venerating. I suggest we start a small cult following. (A good cult, that is, not a bad one.)

Lisa Adams said...

*nod* Agreed, I will see if I can convince others! Muahahahahahaha!