Monday, June 16, 2008

Yes, I fully expect to burn in Hell. But thanks for asking!

I present to my Loyal Strifemongers a selection from Nicene and Post-Nicene Fathers, Series I, Volume IV, Book IV, Chapter 18, pulled completely out of context:

"Let us suppose another, a fornicator, unclean, lascivious, covetous, or even more openly given to idolatry, a student of witchcraft, a lover of strife and contention, envious, hot-tempered, seditious, jealous, drunken, and a reveller..."

Dude, I've been immortalized in Christian theology! Rock!

"...but a Catholic."

[insert sound of tires screeching]

Wait, I'm sorry, what? Geez, you decorate your home with less than fifty patron saint statues, and suddenly everyone starts jumping to all these conclusions.

That's just great. Stupid judgemental Nicene and Post-Nicene Fathers, messing with my immortality.

But then...

"Can it be that for this sole merit, that he is a Catholic, he will inherit the kingdom of God, though his deeds are of the kind of which the apostle thus concludes: 'Of the which I tell you before, as I have also told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God?'"

Hmmm. The kingdom of God, you say? I'll bet I could flip it and make a mint. The archaic language is a bit of a stumbling block (Which apostle? Aren't there, like, a baker's dozen of them?), but don't you worry, Nicene daddies. I'll totally renounce my evil Catholic ways for a lucrative investment property. I'm like the Vatican that way.

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