Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Funny Ha Ha Love

A few years back, I wrote an article for a local rag about things you could celebrate instead of Valentine's Day. At the time, I thought my suggestions were just silly and irreverent, but in retrospect, some of them seem like pretty viable options.

Hug a Theater Queen Day
Oscar Wilde’s last play, The Importance of Being Earnest, debuted on February 14, 1895, at the St. James’ Theatre in London. To celebrate this anniversary, hold a tea party for your closest friends, but eat all the cucumber sandwiches before they arrive, just as Rupert Everett did in the movie. Or in true Saint Oscar tradition, fix up overweight acquaintances with cockney rent boys.

Kill a Bootlegging Gangster Day
On February 14, 1929, seven members of Bugs Moran’s gang and a random ophthalmologist were gunned down in a Chicago parking garage by crime lord Al Capone’s henchmen, who were costumed as policemen. To commemorate this event, dress up like a cop and hang out in an underground parking garage. Whenever you see someone wearing a trench coat and/or a fedora, accuse them of “moving in” on your “turf,” and then shoot out their windshields with a pellet gun. You won’t get arrested. Just tell the real cops that you were vacationing in Florida the whole time. That worked for Capone.

Get Kicked Out of and/or Executed by an Organized Religion Day
On February 14, 1076, an angry Pope Gregory VII excommunicated Holy Roman Emperor Henry IV for attempting to appoint Catholic bishops to office (apparently, Catholics frown on emperors doing that sort of thing, preferring that they stick to ribbon-cutting ceremonies and genocide). Later that millennium, on February 14, 1556, Archbishop of Canterbury Thomas Cranmer was charged with treason and heresy by Queen Mary I, who wished to return England from Anglicanism to Catholicism. To commemorate this day, get yourself excommunicated or accused of heresy. Donate a large sum of money to Planned Parenthood in the name of Cardinal John O’Connor, or send an announcement of your impending civil union to the Episcopal bishop of Texas. If you’ve got a couple of hours to spare, invite a bunch of Southern Baptists over for Bible study and then lock them in your living room and force them to watch Footloose. Oh, and remember to pray loudly and openly later, when you’re tied to the stake. It makes the God-fearin’ people holding the torches uncomfortable.

Antonio Banderas’s Singing Career and Mickey Rourke’s Butt Day
Writer and director Alan Parker, who gave us such gay favorites as Evita and Fame, as well as the Cosby-kid-career-ending Voodoo thriller Angel Heart, was born on February 14, 1944. To celebrate, climb onto a balcony and sing about how you kept your promises to Argentina all through your wild days, or orchestrate a big dance number in the middle of a school. Or just dump blood all over Lisa BonĂ©t and then slit the throat of a live chicken. Which leads us to…

Sacrifice Domesticated Animals for the Sake of the Children Day
February 14 was sacred to the Roman goddess Juno, Protector of Housewives and Inspirer of Blinding, Homicidal Rages Based on Good-For-Nothing Husbands’ Rampant Infidelities. Following Juno’s big day was the Lupercalia, an annual event honoring the nature god Faunus. During the Lupercalia festivities, a dog and two goats were sacrificed to promote fertility. Now, sacrificing dogs and goats doesn’t usually go over well in most residential neighborhoods, so to honor this holiday, just hold a massive banquet, followed by vomiting, a trip to the communal baths, and an orgy. Nothing says Roman like a nice, old-fashioned orgy.

A sidebar to this holiday planning: Dolly the Sheep, the first successfully cloned mammal, died on February 14, 2003, at the Roslin “We Make Sheep” Institute in Scotland. Wear wool in remembrance and use lanolin-based skincare products to retain essential moisture.

No comments: