Friday, December 29, 2006

Happiness is a warm puppy...

...and it's also watching Red Delicious get married.

Congratulations, guys.

Monday, December 25, 2006

I've been Tagged! It BURNS...

So Deb Lipp meme-tagged me, which in some primitive cultures means I'm officially her youngest and most insolent wife. While you're chewing on that, try to figure out which four of the following five biographical tidbits are true:

1) I’m a consummate and chronic Yenta. However, Jack has forbidden me to match-make ever again, on account of how embarrassed he was when we attended a chic gay social event, and I attempted to fix one of the Fab Five up with a beefy heterosexual paramedic.

2) In 7th Grade, a friend and I found a book on Witchcraft at the library, and we tried to use it to put a curse on our science teacher. The next day, he went home due to sudden and violent illness (later determined to have been food poisoning). We swore we’d never practice Witchcraft again.

3) I totally made out with the Ghost of Christmas Past.

4) When we were kids, my twin brother levitated on two separate occasions. The second incident was witnessed by our elementary school art teacher, who was so freaked out that she immediately called my mother. They stayed friends for 10 years.

5) I have received numerous awards for my renditions of Disco and R&B hits. Most recently, I was recognized for my performances of “I Will Survive” and “Tell Me Something Good,” neither of which took place in a karaoke bar. I’ve just got that much soul.

And with that, I tag Apocrypha Jones, Ted Walker, and that guy who writes “The Wild Hunt.”

Monday, December 11, 2006

Truancy: the Next Generation

While shopping for fromage-intensive entertainments at my local used video store, I overheard the following conversation between two grubby teenagers.

Grubby Teen #1: "Hey, check out the movie I just bought! Let's skip school tomorrow and watch it!"

Grubby Teen #2: "Tomorrow's Saturday. We don't have school."

Grubby Teen #1: "Oh."


Grubby Teen #1: "Let's skip school on Monday and watch it!"

Children are our future. Be afraid.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006


The Almighty and Terrible Spirit Powers of Community Theatre have decreed that it's about damn time for me to crawl back into the spotlight, so I'm doing another play. Specifically, I'm doing (woot!) Bell, Book and Candle, directed by none other than Red Delicious himself. Rehearsals are bringing back blurry, semi-coherent memories of when we were college roommates and life was like an extended episode of Pinky and the Brain, if that show took place in a gay piano bar:

RD: "So wot are we goin' to do tonight, Evn?"

Me: "The same thing we do every night, Red Delicious... get drunk and sing show tunes."

So far, everything indicates that we're going to be putting up an absolutely kick-ass production. The only hitch to date is that one of our actresses needed to step down due to time constraints and job-related commitments. Which, while unfortunate, is completely understandable. However, said actress doesn't realize that if she can't do a play with me, she is obligated to infiltrate the order of satanic nuns I recently discovered.

I don't know that they're actual "nuns" per se, and I admit that my concept of such orders has been inaccurately colored by Neil Gaiman, Terry Pratchett and Marvel Comics (I picture them looking like the Pussycat Dolls, except wearing habits and little devil horns). But I'm dying to know what goes on at their meetings. Besides, if I can get someone planted on the inside, there's a good chance I can coerce the other satanic nuns into coming to one of our performances. If I play my cards right, this will lead to one of the most fabulous press releases ever written.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Join the Klub

A subordinate and I spent a good chunk of the morning regailing our cubicle mates with our mutual hatred of all things Mel Gibson: from his drunken anti-Semitic vitriol, to the fact that you simply can't make a movie about Jesus and leave out the freakin' resurrection. Steering the conversation into current events, I remarked that Gibson and Michael Richards should get together and start a club.

We all thought this was pretty funny, up until someone pointed out that several such organizations already exist.

The rest of the workday passed quietly.