Tuesday, September 19, 2006

New Line Cinema owes me $17.50

By all accounts, I'm the last blogger on Earth to get around to this topic. That said...

I drug Jack to see Snakes on a Plane last night. He was resistant at first, but I pulled birthday-boy rank on him. Everything I'd heard and read about this particular epic led me to believe it was going to be the epitome of B-rated horror, that it made no effort to take itself seriously and revelled in its own improbabilty. Which, for me, is like finding a secret treasure map to Heaven. I bounded into the theatre, claimed the official best seat in the house, and clapped with delight as soon as the lights went down.

Despite his misgivings, Jack enjoyed the film. I, on the other hand, walked out halfway through. Was it a B-rated horror movie? Sure. As produced and directed by Caligula.

I really don't know how to describe the disgust I felt watching Snakes on a Plane without sounding self-righteous. If anything, let's just say the filmmakers and I share profoundly different perspectives on what is and is not camp entertainment. Schlocky dialogue: funny. Ripping a small dog out of her owner's arms and throwing her across a plane: not funny. Glaring plot loopholes: funny. A man screaming in agony as a panicked mob tramples him to death, driving the heels of their shoes into the side of his head: not funny.

To his credit, Jack left the theatre to come find me after I stormed out, and during the drive home he did his best to disperse my apoplexy, while I did my best not to get off my high horse. We rode in silence for awhile, and then he grinned and said:

"I am sick of all these motherfuckin' Witches on this motherfuckin' Astral Plane."

Okay, that was funny.

7 comments:

Jack said...

You went to see "Snakes on a Plane" not "Airplane" or "Naked Gun."

It was everything I thought it would be...and for the record, I did NOT enjoy the movie, but the company was good...plus there was more humor in watching you than the move would ever have produced.

Jack
The OTHER white guy

Sarah L. Crowder said...

Strangely, I felt the exact same way about the movie "Elizabeth."

However, I am very sad that you did not find "Snakes on a Plane" funny. I'm not New Line, so I'm not refunding your ticket price, but I will say that you missed by personal favorite part: where the unbitten bodyguard of the germophobic rapper uses his mad video game skills to LAND THE PLANE. (!)

Also, I never said it wasn't the worst movie ever made. I just said I loved it.

And we all know that my love for various media does not imply quality. I used to watch "The Nanny." On purpose. Without a gun to my head.

Ponder that, and wonder why you've ever listened to anything I've ever said...

Evn said...

Since Jack made me go back in, I did get to see video game guy land the plane. I think that's plausible. If I'm ever attacked by monsters, I fully expect Jack to defend me with skills he's picked up from playing Warcraft online.

And no talking trash about "The Nanny." I loved that show.

Sarah L. Crowder said...

See, you're lucky with the videogame skills. My partner could only jack a car in a crisis situation, or possibly pimp some bitches...

Yeah, sorry for dissing Fran. I've loved her since "UHF"! ("That mailman sure has a screw loose...")

Red Delicious said...

Elizabeth movie bad.

Evn said...

Elizabeth is one of three movies I've learned never to watch with you. The other movies are Rob Roy and Facedance 2.

Reddy D. said...

You leave Mr. Siffredi out of this.