Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Bell, Book and Carpenter

I dropped by ye merry olde Catholic bookstore to pick up some reading material, because I've got cunning, super-secret plans involving the Fellowship of Isis and the 14 Holy Helpers (all will be revealed in time, my pets). I was browsing the merchandise and playing with a little Jesus plaque that totally looked like a Green Man when a woman strode up to the front counter and addressed the saleslady.

Customer: "Hello, I need a St. Joseph statue."

Saleslady: "To sell your house?"

Customer: "Yep."

Saleslady: "Right this way!"

This threw me. I'm aware of the old custom of burying St. Joseph statues to sell houses, but I thought it was, like, on the down low. While I ruminated, another customer, this time a pediatric nurse, wandered into the store and glanced around nervously before approaching the counter.

[ed. note: I figured he was a pediatric nurse on account of he was wearing scrubs, but scrubs made out of a cartoony baby animal print.]

Pediatric Nurse: "Um, hi. I need a, uh... a St. Joseph statue."

Saleslady: (with a sly smile): "What for?"

PN: (visibly sweating): "To, um... that is, I... well..."

SL: (slowly, as if to a five-year-old): "To... sell... your... house?"

PN: (eyes averted, completely mortified) "Um... yeah."

The saleslady suddenly dropped beneath the counter, resurfacing with a small St. Joseph figurine and a photocopied, I shit you not, instruction sheet. She went over the details of the ritual I mean novena with the nurse, explaining that he needed to recite the incantation I mean prayer for nine consecutive days.

At this point, I wanted to raise my hand and say, "Excuse me, yes, everyone? That's a spell. You're casting a spell to sell your house. You're practicing witchcraft, do you hear me? Witchcraft!"

But then I decided that agressively bringing this to their attention might possibly be construed as an unwelcome revival of the Protestant Reformation, or at the very least slander. So I kept my mouth shut. Besides, if they ban me from the store, it'll be an absolute bitch trying to find another source for reasonably-priced Black Madonna icons. Those don't just grow on idolatrees, you know.

9 comments:

Ted said...

"idolatrees" = wow

Evn said...

Yeah, I was really, really proud of that one.

Did you get my e-mail about your article?

Deborah said...

I really wish you'd raised your hand. That would have been bitchen.

Evn said...

That would have been most bitchen. But I don't want the "Do Not Sell Patron Saint Paraphernalia To This Man" posters to go up until after I snag the really cool Diana I mean Our Lady of Grace statue.

Riggedy DelVicchio said...

There's a big statue of Diana where I work that Ima Hogg totally lowballed off of the original owner. You should come see it. I can get you in frizzle.

How'd things go tonight? You should e-mail me tomorrow.

Pan said...

That wouldn't be the one down on San Jac just past Rich's Niteclub would it?
When I worked at said club we could buy our candles there for the Wall of Candles in the red bar.
I love that place. They have this really sweet musical statue of Bride, I mean St. Bridget, I mean the Irish Madonna next to St. Patty.
Me wants it SO badly. I think it's all of $17 but I just can't seem to get that far down town with that much money...

Evn said...

This bookstore's over in the Galleria area, and unfortunately, they don't sell 7-day saint candles--I have to truck down to Fiesta for those.

A musical Bride statue? I'm intrigued...

Pan said...

I know what you're talking about, Veratas. It's alright, but the one down on San Jac is much nicer, and they even have 7 day candles, and a whole lot more! One side is devoted to candles, candle holders, while the middle is all about the ido - I mean statuary, and the right side is all books. The candles are better and cheaper than down at Wiccan Walmart, and they also sale the big spiffies for the churches like censer, and those fancy little water sprikler thingies.
Email me or something, please. I have no online why of contact with you save through here. Oh, and read my blog. *g*

Pan said...

It sparkles!