Friday, June 30, 2006

Ah, Witch Duckie, we hardly knew ye...

Some astute readers may have noticed that my profile picture, an adorable rubber duckie sporting a hilarious pointy black hat, has been replaced with an image of a blood-spattered psychopath.

Perhaps I should explain.

I've been trying for veritable eons to find a decent image of Evnissyen (the mythic original; I have pictures of me), but without success. I did, however, find a cute little witch duckie with a Bailey's Irish Cream logo across his cute little duckie breast. It made a better self-representation than, say, the lifesized portrait of me painted by one of my mom's art school buddies, in which I'm depicted as fatter, balder and generally more toothless than I am in person.

So I went with the duckie.

One bright day, while tooling about with Google, I ran a search for Efnisien (the Welsh spelling of my name; "Evnissyen" is the English version) and stumbled across a Web site for a Mabinogion cartoon movie. It was love at first bloddy sight--unfortunately, the site and the cartoon are both in Welsh. Me no speakee the Welsh. I may be able to get my hands on a copy of the film, but I'm pretty sure my DVD player does not feature Welsh-to-English subtitles. Unless I sit in front of the TV reading out loud from a modern Mabinogion translation while the movie plays in the background, there's not much chance of me being entertained for more than a few minutes.

On the bright side, the Web site was chock full o' screen shots, all of them featuring handy captions. There were several great Efnisien pics to choose from (Efnisien sacrificing himself to destroy the Cauldron of Rebirth; Efnisien standing around looking bored; Efnisien cracking everyone up with his Brando impersonation), but I settled on Efnisien covered in blood, staring directly into the camera and cackling maniacally. It suits me.

He's even got the crazy eyes. I get the crazy eyes sometimes, so I totally know how he feels.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Weekend Genderbending

It's Sunday afternoon, and I'm building a Goddess shrine, listening to the lyrical stylings of Ani DiFranco and cleaning litter boxes.

And to think it used to bother me when my friends would call me a lesbian. But enough for now: the herbal tea's about to boil over.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Eat your heart out, Sally Fields

A local community theatre has asked me to star in a one-man show, premiering sometime next summer.

I've spent the last few minutes in my living room, practicing my curtain call:

One bow to stage right, arms behind back. Big smile.

One bow to stage left, arms behind back. Big smile.

One bow to stage center, arms relaxed, dangling at sides, spent. Big smile, eyes showing the faintest glimmering of tears (i.e., "You like me...").

As audience rises to their feet, I clap back at them. We all share a hearty laugh at my disarming, comic self-deprication, and my selfless acknowledgement of the audience as an integral part of my heartrending performance.

Oh Gods but I'm good.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Hooray, hooray, we're all going to die again

It's June 1, the official start of Hurricane Season. To celebrate, Houston had a thunderstorm and minor flooding.

Not ominous in the least.

Apparently, the big concern right now is that because of last year's traffic debacle, Houstonians won't evacuate, even if a Category 5 hurricane comes traipsing down Montrose. And you know what? They're right. I, for one, am not going anywhere. Last year I spent 9 hours in an airconditionless Lincoln Town Car getting bitten and shat upon by an apoplectic, heat-stricken cat, and I can safely say it's the closest I've ever come to spontaneously losing my mind. This year, I plan on stocking up on candles and bottled water and tying my freshly-desecrated rosary to my balcony rail (Catholic folk tradition holds that a rosary left outside can stop inclimate weather, since Jesus won't let it rain on His mother; results to be posted soon).

So yeah, no evacuating for me. As the summer heat seeps across Houston and the TV meteorologists start preaching Armageddon, I'm going to quietly scout out my neighbors' apartments and get all my looting mapped out ahead of time. If anyone has a wish list--a used DVD player, a moist sleeper sofa, dysentery, etc.--just let me know and I'll see what I can pick up for you.