Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Vampire-a-Go-Go! No, really. Go.

I met a vampire the other day. It was kind of a revealing snapshot of my life: a random stranger tells me he's a vampire, and I say "Ah!" like it's a pleasant surprise, then continue with what I'm doing. There was probably a point where I would have at least pretended to be freaked out, if only for his sake. As it was, though, he didn't even fall into the top 5 weirdest people I'd run into that week.

Apparently, this guy was a Very Special vampire. He claimed he was a positive-energy vampire, which according to the Vampire Church (I don't know, either) only turns up once a century or so. I wasn't really sure what to say to that. "Congratulations!" or "Way to go!" seemed too enthusiastic, so I just nodded, like I totally understood. At the same time, I was thinking how the conversation was reminding me of those people who go through past-life regressions and announce that they were once Cleopatra.

We ended up chatting for awhile. Or more specifically, he chatted and followed me around while I tried to get away from him, and then he asked me if I could give him a ride home. With that, I realized "Oh, he's that kind of vampire." See, there very well may be beings out there who draw sustenance, even pleasure, from feeding off the energy fields of humans--personally, I have not met any, but that doesn't mean they can't exist. I mean, I haven't met the president, but he's certainly real, no matter how hard I pretend he's not.

What I have met are people who look for any kind of in and then latch on, sucking up as much attention and affection as they can. They rarely have cash on them (but they're good for it, promise), and they almost always need a ride somewhere. Their personal relationships are fraught with drama, as they try to contribute as little as possible while whining to high heaven that their needs are not being met.

Never, ever, ever go camping with them.

Now, are these people actually sucking anything out of me, other than my will to live? Probably not. But they are leading highly parasitic existences, and as such, I would call them vampires. Actually, I think the technical term is "self-serving, manipulative little assholes," but that's just terribly unromantic-sounding. Besides, no one's ever going to market a role-playing game called "Self-Serving, Manipulative Little Assholes: The Awakening." A gay porno, maybe, but not an RPG.


Jon said...

Working backwards, saw this, fell over laughing.

---but not an rpg indeed.


CmdrSue said...

Oh, come on. We totally have to market that as an RPG. The thing, see, would be to make fun of the ones you know - BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW THEM!!! We all love to eviserate our enemies in fiction. I would buy it as a novelty item at least. Like most of my RPGs I would read it, giggle, and put it on the shelf... and go back to D&D.