Friday, May 28, 2004

We haven't sprayed for bears

I picked up today's lunch at a local chain eatery, brought it back to the office, and devoured to my heart's content, only to find that after I was fully sated, I had a cup of fruit salad (eight tiny pieces of assorted melon plus two grapes) and a Trail Mix cookie (a thick oatmeal cookie with lots of extra crunchies and dried berries: fiberlicious!) left over. Thinking quickly, I placed the cookie - smartly wrapped in a small brown bag - and the fruit salad, still sealed in a disposable take-out container, on a counter in my office's cozy kitchenette, saying to myself, "Surely, because I work in an office, there is no need to protect my leftovers from wildlife."

A few hours passed, at which time I realized I was both hungry and sleepy. What to do? "But wait!" I said (I work by myself most days, so talking to myself is OK), "Don't I have a tasty cookie and a wholesome fruit cup a-waiting for me in the breakroom?" Pleased with the epiphany, I skipped back to the kitchenette to enjoy a fructose-intensive respite, only to find... ants. Freakin' ants everywhere. So many ants. The ants, though, being teensy but brainless animals, had not been able to find a way inside the paper bag containing the cookie. With a few brush strokes of the hand, I rescued my poor pastry, leaving the remaining six-legged squatters agitated and peckish. I then reached for the rest of my afternoon snack, and discovered... a bug. Inside the sealed, unopened fruit cup. Hopped up on fruit sugars and smacking itself against the clear plastic lid.

I opened the fruit cup, and the little bug spasmed out of it and flew away. I examined my melon and grapes for signs of insect excrement, but since I am not familiar with what said excrement looks or smells like, I ate the fruit anyway.

I'm not sure what the moral of this story is, other than if I ever get lost in the woods with a bunch of hikers, I'll be the first one to die from eating poisonous berries.

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

Road tripping for the sake of the children

Jack's youngest brother, Jake, e-mailed me a couple of days ago. Seems he's doing a PowerPoint presentation on poets for one of his classes, and wanted to know if he could include some of my work. So I'm totally honored: I have my first teenaged fan! I feel like such a pop icon right about now. When his teacher read some of my poems, though, she said they were too "vulgar" to be included. So now I'm thrilled. I feel like a pop icon AND J.D. Salinger.

Jake's teacher asked him how he found out about me, and he announced that he knew me personally: that in fact, I was his brother's partner, to which his teacher responded, "That's gross." Now, I really don't care one way or the other how she feels about my work (because small-town computer teachers make the best literary critics...), and honestly, I don't care what opinion she holds about my relationships. However, I am NOT amused that she would insult Jake's brother to his face. Not cool. Not cool at all. Here's my cunning plan: I'm going to wait until Jake's out of school for the semester (bitchy, ignorant teachers tend to take out their anger and resentments on their students), then contact the woman, explaining to her that she can have any opinion of me she wants, but her comments to Jake completely discredit her as an educator. I'm also going to strongly suggest, in order to "prevent further action," that she and her immediate supervisor apologize to Jake in writing.

If worse comes to worse, I'll bop on up to the Corpus Christi area and have a nice, sit-down chat with her in person. More than likely, it won't come to that, but I'm all geared up for it. Jack's ready to bring down the Lamda Legal Defense and the ACLU, but I'm thinking it can be handled a little more quietly (although no less effectively).

If I get killed by a group of rabid, homophobic, Southern high school teachers, though, I totally demand a national holiday. And a made-for-TV movie.

Wednesday, May 05, 2004

Notes to Self

Every once in awhile, I'll come across an off-beat online comic strip. Unfortunately, since I have an undiagnosed obsessive-compulsive disorder (every time I've ever been in therapy, I've forgotten to mention that I spent most of high school counting ceiling tiles), I have to dig through the online archives, find the very first strip, and then read the entire series. And let me tell you, no matter how cute the art is, or how endearing the characters are, or how witty the storylines get, I'm certifiable by the end of the experience. I just spent the last two days reading all 200-odd episodes of a Pagan-oriented strip called "Oh My Gods," and I am just spent. And grumpy. And also my eyes hurt.

Good strip, though. Worth checking out. Find it yourself.