Monday, July 07, 2003

Why does my fan smell so bad?

It just hit me that I'm hosting and performing in a reading this Friday, and I've got nothing new, except for one really whiny, childish piece about a waiter:

To the Waiter at the Raven

I don’t like mushrooms.
Mushrooms are not
vegetables: they’re fungi.
I don’t want to eat
mushrooms, or
mildews, or smuts
unless I need to fight
an infection
or hallucinate.
I know the enchiladas
were pre-rolled.
I can deal with that.
What I can’t deal with
is your rationalizing,
tip-draining statement,
“There’s not a lot
of mushrooms in them.”
You just told me
to pick around them.
You just sounded
like my mother trying
to force-feed me dinner
during my militant
vegetarian phase:
“There’s not a lot
of meat in this.”
I didn’t want
any meat.
I don’t want
any mushrooms.
What do you say
to people who
like mushrooms?
“There are more
mushrooms in these
enchiladas than you’ll
know what to do with.
I hope you’ve got
an appetite
for mushrooms,
because, man,
you’re about to be
served some mushrooms.”
It’s not your fault.
You’re the waiter.
You didn’t plan
the menu or cook
the food. Your job
is to take the orders
and make suggestions.
Here’s my suggestion:
when a customer asks
a yes or no question, like,
“Can I get the enchiladas
without mushrooms?”
answer yes or no,
then take my order,
and bring me
my damn dinner.

Okay, so I like it, but I'm not sure it'll read well in terms of how the audience will take it. Will they find it cheeky and off-the-cuff? Or will they let out a collective "What a bitch" and stop listening? I need topics, dammit. Somebody inspire me! Aaaargh...

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